Dear Debra,
I have been dating a widower for the last six months and although I really like him, I see red flags in the relationship. He still talks a lot about his late wife and he has pictures all over the house of her. What should I do?
Perplexed In Barrington
Bonnie
Dear Bonnie,
Thank you for reaching out to me to discuss your new friend. Losing a spouse as you know is very difficult and there is no time frame that we can give to grieving. Losing a spouse is something you go “through”and never get “over” completely.
You sound like a very sensitive and caring woman and understand that losing a spouse is one of the most difficult challenges we face in life. Having said this, it is not fair for you to start a relationship when he has not sufficiently grieved over the loss of his wife. I would pick a time where it’s just the two of you and let him know that you do care for him, however you do not want to live in his late wife’s shadow. If he is truly ready to move on he will limit the conversations about her and also take pictures of her down off the walls. This doesn’t mean that he can’t talk about her upon occasion or keep a few family photos around, but he cannot start a relationship with you until he has come to terms with this loss.
If you feel he is not able to do this, I would gently put the relationship on hold and recommend that he does additional grief counseling. He may then be ready to give you the attention and love you deserve!
Best of luck in navigating this situation. If I can help you further navigate your new love story, please contact me.